I'll be 24 weeks pregnant this weekend. It's hard to believe I'm 6 months pregnant! I mean, it isn't hard to believe when I look down at this belly that's growing bigger each day. But it is hard to believe that my little baby is actually coming and that I won't stay pregnant forever.
I thought I'd chron out some really honest thoughts that I've had thus far in the pregnancy. They aren't meant to offend just to offer some perspective on what it is really like to be pregnant.
Pregnant Body:
I've always thought that a pregnant woman was one of the most beautiful things in the world. I would see others and not be able to wait until I had my own baby growing within me- I thought pregos were the are the cutest thing ever! But when it is happening to you it's sort of surreal and doesn't feel very cute or beautiful at all!
I tried on a shirt of Paige's (my sister) this week and stretched out the bottom of it I didn't realize I had changed that much. I mean, it's still me in here, I'm just bigger and growing by the minute. And everyday you think that you are as big as you can get and then the next day comes (!) and you're like, "Okay, now I can't get any bigger!".
Pregnancy weight is a weird thing too. Especially to a point counting, WW following, weight conscious girl like myself. I worked really hard to lose weight when I was in high school and have worked to keep it off since. Now, I very well know I could afford to lose a few pounds still, but I've tried hard to keep my weight in check. It is so odd to be putting on pounds because you are SUPPOSED to. To see the scale # climb up and have to tell yourself "you're supposed to gain weight. You're pregnant. You are nuturing your baby". But still, it's sort of surreal.
There are good things about the pregnant body too. For those of us not blessed in the upper regions all of the sudden it's like the boob fairy has visted and left her offering for our pregnancy. Personally, I think they are a consolation prize for our husbands, to distract them from our growing girth elsewhere
And having a baby inside of you?? Coolest thing of life! Totally worth the expanding belly, the need for a panel in your pants, and not fitting through small spaces. Feeling my daughter move through out the day, kick the remote up off my tummy, and getting to talk to her before I go to bed? These are things in life where you get a glimpse of God- of a creator, a father, a loving and compassionate maker. It's like you get to experience a portion of the love he has for us. And growing her, getting to know her, loving her-- this is why I exist.
Becoming a Mommy:
Becoming a mom... wowza. I don't know if it is quite as scary if you didn't have the mom of all moms, the champion stay at home mom, the most loving, compassionate, softest, perfect mom raise you- but I did!! Thinking that I have to live up to that, I have to BE that to someone. Well goodness, that's a bit daunting.
In the 10 months (yes- it's 10 that you carry this baby!) of pregnancy you have a lot of time to reflect on what kind of person you are and what type of mom you'd like to be. It's sort of scary to see all of your negative, selfish, traits magnified. It puts you in sort of a panic, like "I must fix myself before this baby is born!". For someone who sleeps a good 14 hours on Saturdays I wake up and nearly cry that those days are going come October. For someone who loses her temper and cusses when she bumps her toe on the door it makes you think, "goodness, what if my baby hears the f word come out of my mouth??". In my entire life I have heard my mother say one bad word and it was when I was in junior high. I can tell you if I was my mother in jr high I would've said more than one bad word!
Someone's mom! Someone is going to call out to me in the middle of the night when they are scared, call me when they are in trouble at school, cry into my shoulder when they are tired, scream at me when they are a teenager and I'm ruining their life.
Weird. I just kind of figured out how to be someone's wife. Why do I have to go and screw it up?? LOL
Becoming a Family:
It's weird to think that someone is joining our two-some. We've had such a nice couple of years together. And we've been able to do whatever we want, whenever we want to.
But it is also neat to think that we are cemented together. A child sort of does that for you (birth or adopted). I mean, when we made the commitment to one another at the altar, we cemented our position as husband and wife to one another but this baby adds mom and dad to the roles we operate within. We are no longer just Josh and Brooke but "The Odgers".
It's also bizarre to think that we created (with God's help, of course!) a life. Our DNA combined and out comes this mixture of US! How cool is that?! You look at your spouse suddenly with a whole new eyes, and picture their features on a baby. The funniest thing has been when people picture the baby looking like Josh they picture a little baby girl with a beard! Like he's always had a beard!
The Future
Suddenly every single decision you make (financially especially!) has this HUGE, lasting effect. "Should we get a new car? Refinance our house? Why is the housing market so stinkin' bad?? Where is this baby going if I have to go back to work?" And when you are running low on money when you are pregnant you have these anxiety-ridden thoughts of "we will surely go bankrupt when the baby comes". Not only are we cutting income but we are adding an expense! The first baby is the scariest in this way...
But I can honestly say, every time I've been anxiety ridden about the future or money God totally takes care of us. I'm not sure how or why he cares about us enough to do this, but He does. And I'm so grateful for it. So I just keep clinging the the promise that God has a future for us and plans to prosper us and not to harm us.
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